Confessions and the Coach I Hope to Become

Recently, I read a blog post by fellow Vermont educator, Lori Lisai titled Confessions of a first year teacher (20 years later).  In it she bravely reflects on the wisdom she's gained, bemoans the follies of her initial inexperience, and apologizes to her former students:

To those students, I want to say I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry. 

When I read Lori's piece, I could relate completely.  To looking like a kid - 5'2" in clogs with a pixie-like face.  To feeling like an imposter in a bun acting the way I thought a teacher should and working ridiculously hard.  Even more so, I could relate to wishing that I had been better at teaching right away for the sake of my former students.  All that I can hope now is that my good intentions shine more brightly than my mistakes.

At this point, I'm four years in as an instructional coach.  I suppose it's inevitable that I should feel some remorse and regret for my early coaching efforts.  I acted the way I thought a coach should act, but I was making it up myself everyday.  Again, working ridiculously hard, but I needed time and experience to understand what's important and what the job really is.  To the teachers I worked with, I want to say I'm sorry.

Two years ago, I shifted the focus of my research at University of Vermont from math integration to professional learning for teachers.  I began reading every relevant piece of literature I could get my hands on to better understand how to develop and support teachers.  As a byproduct, I have learned more about how to develop myself.  I became familiar with the work of Jim Knight, who runs the Kansas Coaching Project out of the University of Kansas and is one of the most cited researchers on instructional coaching (and as it turns out, a heck of a nice guy, too).  Jim's work helped me figure out what kind of coach I need to develop myself into.

Last month, I had an opportunity to spend a week at an Intensive Instructional Coaching Institute working with Jim Knight and 25 other coaches from across the country.  The training was wonderful, and gave me the chance to be a part of a coaching community while I work on developing myself.

Coaching must be a partnership of equals. Every interaction must uphold the status of the teacher honoring choice and voice. Every conversation must empower and energize teachers. I must listen more than I talk. Question more than I tell. Hold myself back from offering advice. Let the solutions bubble up organically from the teachers with whom I'm working.

This is incredibly difficult for me because I am a doer, and at times I have a bad habit of doing things for people rather that with them. I have all sorts of reasons to justify this. I want to ease their burden. I want to respect their time. I want them to know they can count on me. However, I know from teaching that the person answering the questions is the one who is learning. So I'm working on it daily, while trying to have a sense of humor about it. It helps to remember that respecting the status of my colleagues means that I let them do their own thinking.

Day one of the coaching institute, Jim shared with us this quote:

This is not who I am yet, but it's who I'm trying to become.

This stuck with me.  I'm not the coach I want to be yet.  Come to think of it, I was never the teacher I wanted to be either.  I'm not yet the parent I want to be...  Heck, I'm not yet the person I want to be, but I have goals for myself.

I'll have to get comfortable in this stance, crouched, trying to get ever closer to who I'm trying to become.  And I feel incredibly lucky to be getting closer to it with the amazing people in my life.  If you're reading this, that probably includes you.  So, thank you.  And I'm so sorry, too.

If you're interested, the Prezi below describes the training.  Additionally, here is a link to a one pager for teachers that summarizes the approach.

x